Post #2: “The Talk” That Parents Give to Their Black Children and “The Steps” That White People Can Take

Letting My Readers Know Where I Stand

Who am I? Kesa Kivel — an old white woman working for racial justice! The purpose of creating an “Ask an Old White Woman About Racial Justice” blog is to help other white people—and myself as well—to learn about different racial issues and to follow through on our new awareness by becoming allies in antiracist struggles.

Please note: This blog is not intended in any way as a substitute for paying those who are Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) for their advice, connections, and teachings.

I rewrote parts of this post after a colleague said she felt scolded by the first blog. From her comment, I feel challenged to find a way to boldly address racist thinking and behavior, both in myself and others, without making my words feel like a rebuke for things we haven’t even been aware of (though we should question why that is so).

I am committed to writing in a more heart-centered way about the things all of us who are white must root out in ourselves. To help me do this, I’m revisiting the works of African American professor, author, and feminist bell hooks (name is lowercase per her preference), who has always inspired me through the loving tone of her powerful talks and writings. (You can listen to bell hooks here).

“The Talk” Many Parents Give Their Black Children

It seems that when I dig deeper into any topic about racism, I inevitably discover more layers of distress and devastating consequences for Black people than I could ever have imagined. A new topic I recently investigated was through the EmbraceRace community, which describes itself as “a multiracial community of parents, teachers, experts, and other caring adults who support each other to meet the challenges that race poses to our children, families, and communities.”

I’m white, and I don’t have children, but I still felt the need to register for the free EmbraceRace webinar “Moving 'The Talk' to ‘The Walk' for Black Children”.

I had heard of “The Talk” that parents give their Black children to try to keep them safe if they are confronted by the police, but I only imagined this as being a difficult, one-time conversation — that is, just one talk, hard as it might be — fraught with parents’ worry and concern about doing it “right,” knowing they can never envision and talk about the myriad ways that racism might harm their children. Now I know that the educating process is continuous, and far beyond “difficult.” For instance, from the webinar I learned that if the parents are Black, they may need to process the microaggressions, false accusations, discrimination, harassment by police, beatings, and more that they themselves may have experienced, even as they try to protect their precious children from these same kinds of harm.

Strategies Discussed in the Webinar

• Does a cluster of Talks given at regular intervals work best, or is it better to give a Talk only after hearing about the latest racist situation at school or horrifying racist incident in the news? 

• How should the conversations change as children get older? 

• What advice should parents give to their teenage child for the times their child is out with friends who don’t subscribe to the parents’ same protective guidelines, and they are all stopped by the police?

• How can parents coordinate their protective strategies with their Black children’s teacher if the teacher is white?

The webinar provides many suggestions for dealing with each of these situations, as well as others.

Black Boys’ Fears

A short op-doc titled A Conversation About Growing Up Black (from the New York Times Op-Doc) was mentioned in the webinar. In the op-doc, Black boys from 10 to 17 years of age explain the racism-related challenges they face. Some of these echo the experiences that parents might address in their Talks. The webinar stresses the importance of parents’ helping to instill Black pride in their children when delivering the Talks, to keep children from feeling like victims and to offer uplifting moments within a  depressing conversation. We hear in the film:

A 17-year-old: “How can I not be afraid when I walk outside, when I feel like I’m being hunted?” 

A 10-year old: “I want people to know that I’m perfectly fine, and not going to hurt anybody, and I’m not going to do anything bad.”

What Difference Does Our Learning About the Talk and Other Racial Issues Make?

This post is not meant to be an essay about how racism seems even worse when amplified by our investigation, nor a discussion about the Talk only. With all of the webinars we white people listen to, podcasts we watch, books we read, and Instagrammers we follow about racism, I’m asking: What difference does our learning about racism make to Black people? Is the subject of racism fascinating, like a novel that we read, and then can forget about as easily as returning it to the library after reading it? Or, will we practice what we have learned about intervening in real-life encounters? What is the purpose of our learning more?

Reaching a Tipping Point

Through our choosing to care about the interpersonal and institutional racism we’re learning about, a tipping point can occur. This is when we so embody our knowledge through our hearts, minds, and souls that we’re moved to take bold antiracist actions whenever we can, even if we feel unsure and clumsy at times in doing so. Frankly, sometimes the best I could muster in a moment where I wanted to intervene in a racist situation has been to say, “I don’t agree with you” or “I feel really uncomfortable about what you just said.” But, with practice, I’m becoming more effective in my interventions, and you will, too. When we weigh our potential discomfort in intervening against the devastating consequences to Black people if we do not, we step up. When we choose to let our heart lead the way instead of our fears, we act.

Action Steps: What If I Don’t Want to Go to Protests? 

Motivated by your learning, empathy, and desire for equity, there are many ways to be antiracist activists! In this and future posts, I will be sharing a few of my thoughts, along with ways for white people to make a difference. Although protests are very effective, you may not feel personally comfortable for a variety of valid reasons. However, there are a number of other important and very effective ways to take action for racial justice. Among them: 

1) Donating to Black-led organizations. Shane Goldsmith, executive director of the Liberty Hill Foundation (https://www.libertyhill.org/) told me: “To reverse the centuries of disinvestment in Black institutions and communities, we need to invest in Black leaders and institutions that are building power to transform every arena where racism lurks. So I tell donors what our movement leaders tell us: If you care about racial justice, invest in Black-led power-building organizations, and trust their leadership.” 

2) Signing petitions with the nonprofit organization Color of Change (https://colorofchange.org/), which designs campaigns to build power for Black communities. This would be a quick, meaningful action with the largest online organization fighting for racial justice. Tens of thousands of people sign Color of Change petitions, and change does happen because of them.

3) Sharing the actions you take for racial justice on social media.

But What If My Conservative Relatives See My Post?

You may be fearful of upsetting people and damaging your relationships with conservative relatives in your family Facebook group. However, keep in mind that you are not necessarily asking others to join you in your actions by posting about them. What you are doing is sharing core values you have chosen to live by and that guide your life – for example, integrity, truth-telling, accountability, and equity.

If your action was with Color of Change, you might write something like: “Envisioning and acting on my desire to help create a more loving and equitable world, today I signed a Color of Change petition. This one was about how to pressure some of the country’s major wedding aggregate sites to commit to no longer featuring vendors who offer plantations as wedding/party venues.” (This was one of many successful Color of Change campaigns.) Share the link so others may also take that action, if they choose. 

Let us white people use what we read about not only to inform ourselves of the changes that need to be made, but also to motivate ourselves to make the needed changes—to reach a tipping point where we’re stirred to live our values and take bold, antiracist actions on the road to racial justice.

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."

–Audre Lorde, African American poet, feminist, and civil rights activist

Thank you for stepping up!

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I welcome comments and suggestions from you, the reader. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook to learn about new posts in the “Ask an Old White Woman About Racial Justice” blog. Together, we can all step up and make a difference.

Kesa Kivel is a Los Angeles–based educator, game-maker, and activist living on the unceded ancestral land of the Tongva people. She developed the free, downloadable “Road to Racial Justice” board game in 2016, with the help of a focus group comprised of individuals of various races and ethnicities; the game is available at www.kesakivelstudios.org. Kesa has created curricula and workshops on gender and race issues since 2000.